203 Wczoraj zmarł Krzysztof Krauze. Straciliśmy wybitnego twórcę i równie wybitnego człowieka. Nie wygrał wieloletniej walki z rakiem prostaty, miał 61 lat. Aż coś skręca mnie w środku, by zadać jedno pytanie. I mimo wielkich wewnętrznych oporów, chcę je zadać : czy musiał już umierać..?
Wszystko jest w rękach tego, który patrzy na nas z góry. Ale czy w naszych głowach i rękach pozostaje jedynie bezradność w dalszym trwaniu na ziemi..?
Czy nie możemy sobie nic pomóc, by pozostawać tu troszkę dłużej..? Znam odpowiedzi na te pytania, które chyba zlekceważył Krzysztof, tak mi się wydaje.
- Nie doceniłem powagi sytuacji, zlekceważyłem przeciwnika. Na usprawiedliwienie mam tylko tyle, że doświadczenie uczy, że umierają inni. Nikt nie dopuszcza myśli, że sam może umrzeć – mówił cztery lata temu w wywiadzie udzielonym portalowi zdrowie.gazeta.pl.
- Przewlekła, nieuleczalna choroba prowokuje trudne pytania i podsuwa bezlitosne, niesprawiedliwe, najczęściej pochopne odpowiedzi. Dlaczego mnie się to przydarzyło? Czyja to wina, że jestem chory? I zaczyna się piekło, o którym począwszy od Jeana-Paula Sartre’a, wiadomo, że to piekło to inni: rodzina, współpracownicy, sąsiad, którego pies narobił na twoją wycieraczkę. Dlatego buduj więzi. Poświęć innym choćby dziesięć minut dziennie, to niezły sposób na walkę z depresją. Depresją, która krzepi twojego raka lepiej niż cukier – podkreślał w poruszającej rozmowie.
Mnie też to się przydarzyło, ale poszedłem inną drogą .Doceniłem powagę sytuacji, nie zlekceważyłem przeciwnika. I chcę o tym napisać tylko dlatego ,by ktoś, kogo spotka podobna sytuacja, miał jakiś wybór: albo wierzymy, że umierać mogą tylko inni, albo nie mamy tej wiary.
Prawie dwadzieścia lat temu, po wielu obserwacjach, badaniach i biopsjach, usiadłem naprzeciwko prof. Andrzeja Borkowskiego. Powiedział, że mam raka prostaty.
To był dla mnie cios. Suche gardło, trzęsące ręce, bezradny wzrok. I też pytanie: dlaczego – ja ?! I – czy to już..? Co ja mogę robić..?
- Musisz zdecydować za siebie, nikt ci w tej decyzji nie pomoże …-powiedział Profesor .Zaczął jeszcze raz przeglądać moje papiery, dość obojętnie.
Jak to – nikt ?! Co on mi tu mówi, przecież musi wiedzieć, co mam zrobić ! Na nic wieloletnia znajomość, wiara w jego umiejętności, uczciwość..? To nic się nie liczy ?!
- A co ty byś zrobił na moim miejscu..? – szukałem jakiegoś punktu oparcia.
- Ja nie jestem na twoim miejscu ,ty jesteś na swoim, i znasz je, a ja na swoim, i też je znam…
Cisza trwała parę minut, myślałem, że nie jestem w realnym świecie, nie mogłem opanować drżenia rąk ,fatalne uczucie.
- No dobrze…- starałem się opanować. Ale jakie mam wyjście ?
- Teraz już trochę lepiej…Masz trzy wyjścia – zaczął Profesor. Jeśli masz w sobie dużo siły, by żyć ze świadomością tykającej wewnątrz ciebie bomby ,to nie robimy nic, albo prawie nic. Jakieś lekarstwa, drobne zabiegi, właściwie nic specjalnego. Może ten rak się nie rozwinie, i w wieku stu lat umrzesz na katar sienny…I to jest pierwsze wyjście. Wyjście drugie, to operacja: poprzez cewkę moczową dojdę do tego twojego raka. I wypalę te komórki, które będę miał w zasięgu wzroku. Może będziesz miał szczęście, że będą to jedyne komórki rakowe w twoim gruczole. I wtedy umrzesz – bo przecież wszyscy na coś umierają – na coś innego. Ale jeśli pozostaną takie, których nie dostrzegę, i będą dalej się rozwijać, to może być różnie: rak będzie dalej atakować, albo i nie…I jest trzecie wyjście: robimy tzw ekstrakcję radykalną, czyli wycinam ci cały gruczoł prostaty. Wtedy masz święty spokój. Oczywiście w przypadku jeśli badania histopatologiczne nie wykażą przerzutów do węzłów chłonnych…Ale nie przypuszczam….Wylatuję na 3 dni do Londynu, wtedy zadzwoń z decyzją.
Byłem pod ścianą, czułem to. Ale, mimo wszystko, głowa pracowała dalej.
- Wracasz w sobotę, możesz operować mnie w poniedziałek…?
- Jesteśmy umówieni. Tylko teraz siostra weźmie od ciebie krew na morfologię. Musze wiedzieć co mam na stole: grupę krwi0, A,B,AB…
Siódmego dnia po operacji wychodziłem ze szpitala. Po dwóch tygodniach okazało się, ze przerzutów nie było.
Po tych prawie dwudziestu latach zastanawiam się : co mnie wtedy tknęło, by umawiać się na poniedziałek..? Chyba umocowane gdzieś głęboko przeświadczenie, że umieramy wszyscy, a nie tylko nieliczni .Krzysztof o tym zapomniał, o czym przyznaje się w wywiadzie. Za tym truizmem kryje się wiele ludzkich decyzji i rozczarowań. Gdy życie leci gładko, nie zastanawiamy się, że jednak będzie miało swój kres.
Poza tym myślę – choć nie jestem tego do końca pewien – że w życiu Krzysztofa Krauze, w momencie najtrudniejszym, zabrakło mądrego profesora. Który nie pozwala rozczulać się nad sobą, tylko nakazuje nam samym podejmować najtrudniejsze decyzje.
I temu wszystkiemu towarzyszy największy żal, że po „Papuszy” nie zobaczymy już nic więcej…
Z wypowiedzi red. Andrzej Bobera wynika, ze pacjent powinien sam zadbac o swoje wyleczenie a nie je neglizowac poniewaz nie ma czasu. Jak to implikuje sie wobes owego sp. Rezysera. Byc moze ktory nie mogl znalesc czasu dla…siebie, poniewaz mial szereg wazniejszych spraw na glowie?
Powiem tak. Przed dwoma laty byłem w podobnej sytuacji, którą opisuje pan Andrzej. Też wymagana była decyzja pacjenta, a do wyboru były dwie możliwości, albo radykalnie, albo trochę. Poszedłem na całość i, póki co jest dobrze.
W chwili kiedy dostajemy informację o śmiertelnej chorobie podejmujemy odruch obronny ,możemy nawet zgodzić się na wymianę skóry, wszystko zależy od mocy jaka tkwi w nas ,nie mylić ze siłą fizyczną.
Nie taki rak straszny jak go malują!
Nie bój się raka – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_M8E5a7BPiw
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